If this is your first time reading one of my posts, hello and welcome! and if you've been here before welcome back. I have decided to dedicate a post to this topic and share my experience with it in the hope of helping someone struggling and to raise awareness to help someone going through this terrible dark time. This topic is: Eating Disorders.
Eating disorders and other topics related such as; anorexia and bulimia are thrown around in today's society very loosely and have become 'okay' to call someone and 'okay' to make jokes about. I have come across lots of times when someone has commented on someone walking down the street saying "ew he/she look anorexic" or "she looks like she's gonna snap in half" or even the innocent scrolling on instagram and stopping at a post to say to your friends "she's so skinny, isn't she?" so hopefully in this post I can make people somehow realise how serious anorexia and all the other types of eating disorders are and are not a joke to be tried to made a 'laugh out of'.
I hope that someone reading this currently struggling with issues revolving around food will realise how serious things can be and that you need to reach out for help and support because that is crucial to pull yourself out of the whirlpool you are currently trapped in.
What is an eating disorder?
An eating disorder is disordered or disturbed eating essentially. Eating disorders can be life-threatening, which is why they are very serious and NEED to be treated. Eating disorder can be developed as a way of coping with stress or feeling the need to control something (food and eating patterns (which by the way, you will never have control.. the eating disorder is always in control from the beginning even if you realise it or not) because you can't take control of something else in your life, for example friends or education. Eating disorders are characterised of a variety of disordered eating habits
Types of eating disorders:
Anorexia Nervosa: Anorexia nervosa is when someone intentionally starves themselves and constantly skips meals in the desire of weight loss and have a lower BMI (body mass index) than recommended for their age, gender and height. A person with anorexia nervosa will be constantly preoccupied with thoughts of food and constant need to lose weight.
Bulimia Nervosa: Someone with bulimia nervosa will make constant efforts to purge (self-induced vomiting) themselves after eating food. This could then be followed up by a binge or just normal food intake. They may also fast, engage in excessive exercising or the misuse laxatives and other such medications. They may also maintain an average BMI for their age, height and gender.
Binge Eating Disorder: Binge eating disorder is when someone binges in constant episodes but does not purge. It is likely the person will gain considerable amounts of weight and find themselves dieting, binging and self-loathing.
Also just because someone doesn't fit into one of the categories above doesn't mean they don't have an eating disorder. A large number of people fit into nearly all 3 categories.
Who can have an eating disorder?
Absolutely anybody can struggle with an eating disorder. There is a stereotype of only women struggle with eating disordes but more cases of men struggling are on the rise.
Where you can get help or more information
- Bodywhys: The Eating Disorder Association Of Ireland
- Eating Disorders - yourmentalhealth.ie
- How To Help Someone With An Eating Disorder (VIDEO)
My experience with an eating disorder
Going through the eating disorder was the most scariest and horrible thing I've had to go through. It lasted from about September 2016 to May 2017. Thankfully I am healthy and happy now. My eating disorder took complete control over me and I unknowingly let it. I don't know how much weight I lost exactly, I never let myself weigh myself as I knew I would get totally fixated and obsessed with the numbers on the scale and it would just be another thing to make myself feel ashamed about and NEED to change. I do remember around this time last year trying on a pair of trousers in Penneys and thinking 'Oh, I'm gonna get them a bit tight so then they'll fit me when I lose weight', it was almost as if the eating disorder was there but hadn't really kicked off at that stage. Almost as if it was planning out everything and slowly making me agree and feel it was a good idea. (Which it was not!)
I hadn't realised at the time but in most cases, eating disorders are caused if the person is struggling to take control of something in their life for example I feel in my case this was study and friends, the person then takes control of their food and eating habits because they feel that is something you can definitely control and that is how they 'cope'. Can I just say that you are NEVER in control when struggling with an eating disorder! You may think you are in control and can 'stop' whenever you want to but you aren't. The eating disorder has taken over and gained all control from the very beginning.
On the 30th of August is when I really started obsessing and felt the need to take photographs of myself standing in my underwear to document my weight before I started loosing any. I took one from the front, then one to the side and then one with my arms stretched up to see if you could see my ribs yet. I then started becoming obsessed with 'body checks'. Everytime I passed a mirror and nobody was around I would lift up my top to see my stomach and check my weight, just in the hope it had decreased since the last body check 2 minutes ago.
In October, I can remember the eating disorder being in full swing but of course I didn't think it was an 'actual eating disorder' but just a little phase that will blow over in a few weeks. I was cutting out lunch and often breakfast on 'good' days. The reason for it this time was so I could be 'skinny' for my sisters 21st. I also started after school study which made it 'easier' to get away with not eating anything for even longer. Of course my Mum would pack my lunch for the day and would even of packed a separate lunch specifically for after school study. But of course I would throw the lunch in the bin, and to make it even more believable I would keep the wrapper just as 'evidence' I ate it to my Mum.
I can also remember feeling extremely hungry at about 7 in the evening and being home alone. After 2 hours of contemplation I finally convinced myself to eat a bag of Monster Munch. I went in with the intention of only eating half but I don't think I kept to that if I remember correctly. Soon after Dad text me asking if I would'd like anything from the takeaway.. I had been craving curry chips all day but told myself I couldn't even think about eating more food after the bag of crisps. I then contemplated some more and decided the best solution would be to puke the crisps up to allow myself to eat the curry chips. So I did just that. I went upstairs, bent over the toilet bowl and threw my fingers down my throat. Gagging and crying until the crisps came up. Don't get me wrong, I didn't feel one bit satisfied but the voice in my head was. Until I ate the chips.
Fast forward a few months, It was the season of food. Christmas. Shannon's 21st had been and gone and of course the disorder didn't stop. I came up with more reasons to continue. For someone trying to avoid food as much as possible and also do this secretly, Christmas is your worst nightmare. All the selection boxes, the mince pies, the roast dinner, the tins of biscuits and the desserts. A dream for some but a nightmare for me. I thankfully let myself enjoy the dinner but of course didn't let myself finish it. I also thankfully let myself have the smallest slice of apple pie 'as a treat'. I was also vegetarian at the time which without me knowing it was used as a mask for the eating disorder. Another excuse to eat less foods.
The body checks continued, the body photos continued, the lies and excuses to get out of eating continued, the downy hair continued to grow, the shivering and blue lips and nails continued, the late periods continued and the chewing and spitting out food just to get the test continued. But also the 'I'm okay's and the 'not now Mum' and the 'there's nothing wrong' and the 'I just ate''s continued. I took multiple online eating disorder tests, all telling me to get professional help. But of course I ignored it.
I had a complete distorted image of myself. I was looking in the mirror and seeing someone who wasn't me. I convinced myself I wasn't as skinny as I was and when I reached my target, that became not enough. I would constantly be touching my stomach, seeing if you could feel more ribs than the last time I checked 10 minutes ago. I would see photos of myself other people would have taken and realised how frail and thin I looked until the voice told me that wasn't true.
What started though that surprised me, was the posts on Instagram telling other girls and boys to love themselves, and to be happy in their own skin and to not listen to the voices in their heads I was posting. I felt like such a hypocrite. Such a liar. Such a let down to everyone that told me I was 'inspiring' or 'motivating'. I posted these things while feeling like getting sick everytime I looked at myself in the mirror. While considering making myself sick because of how horrible I felt about my body. Skipping 2-3 meals each day because I believed being skinnier would make me 'more likable' and 'more attractive'. I was wrong.
I encountered in numerous behaviors expected throughout an eating disorder that I didn't even acknowledge at the time. Such as:
- Being so hungry and craving for food, I would chew a piece of food, and then spit it out. Just so I could experience the taste but not actually eat it.
- Constantly have a bottle of water with me so I could fill my stomach on water instead of food to ease the hunger.
- I kept a 'food diary' on my phone. Keeping track of all the foods I ate in the day. If I wrote more than 1-2 things, I would feel disgusted with myself.
- I became obsessed with watching videos and programmes about food, especially Mukbangson youtube.
- I hid multiple chocolate bars in my room, never eating of them but dreaming that I some day would. (I have ate them now, they tasted great.)
- When I did have dinner, I would feel so relieved after going to the bathroom and doing a number 2 because I had that 'empty' and 'light' feeling I craved.
- I was constantly thinking about my weight and food. 24/7. In maths I would sit there thinking 'how do I make sure nobody notices I'm not eating lunch today?' 'Imagine how much weight I could lose if I didn't have to eat dinner today..' 'I'm so starving.. maybe I will just eat half of my sandwich??'
It was almost like a battle between myself and the eating disorder in my head. I had to ask permission to eat something. And most likely the ED voice would not allow it. Sometimes but not often I would ignore the voice and just let myself eat the food I wanted. Whether that be just a crisp my friend offered me, or a square of chocolate. Whatever it was it would always be the first thing I ate that day because after dinner that was it, I was never going to be allowed to eat after dinner. If I was still hungry after dinner and didn't have the courage to get seconds, then tough. I had to deal with it.
In January I became seriously ill. I was having constant chronic headaches, no energy and was barely able to get out of bed and walk around the house. I felt like I was eroding away. Everything was just a blur looking back. I can remember telling my Mum I felt like I was dying. I missed about 2 months of school time, they were that bad. I was in school any days I wasn't in too much pain, even if that was only for an hour. The women in the office didn't even have to ask me why I was going home, they knew by how poorly and frail I looked I wasn't in good shape. I was getting little to no sleep every night. The headaches got so bad I ended up in hospital. They couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, I was there over 12 hours. After blood pressure tests, heart rate tests, blood tests and even a brain scan, they discovered my iron levels were dangerously low. Nearly at zero. So I was immediately put on iron and vitamin C tablets and referred to a dietitian.
One of the many sleepless nights
I suppose in a sense being brought to the hospital that day was good, because they made sure I ate properly while there. (This is me eating the hospitals version of a vegetarian dinner.. yes it's a salad)
I can remember when I thought I started feeling better (headaches wise), I went into Home Ec. And let me just say the Home Ec teacher was very strict on punctuality and getting work done on time and at this time I hadn't handed up any homework or assignments in roughly 2 months. I'd say I had only been to about 10 classes at most in those 2 months. But when she saw me, she asked me immediately how I was feeling. I told her I felt fine, which was a lie. She then told me I didn't look so fine, and maybe I should go home. Another day, the old nun in my school that likes to fill everyone with compliments and make sure everyone is okay, brought everyone into her room one by one to have a chat with her and see how you are. When it was my turn, everything was fine, she asked me how I was and how I was feeling. I told her I've been a bit ill but I'm coming around. Everything was going great until I was just about to go out the door. Half way out the door, she called me back and said "Make sure you look after yourself and put some weight on. You look very frail and thin". Well if the 2 most unexpected people in the school are telling you don't look very good.. there must be something wrong.
I started having meetings with the guidance councilor which were supposed to be about college and my future but soon turned into meetings about the eating disorder. She tried to help me as much as she could while keeping it on a 'teacher/student' level. She printed off articles about how to recover from an eating disorder, how to prepare yourself to recover and assignments like '30 things that make you happy' for me to do. She told me she felt like I had an eating disorder but also told me she couldn't do anything until I admitted I had one. Which I didn't. I knew if I admitted to having one, that would mean it would potentially be over and end and my eating disorder was not ready to let me win.Going into my first meeting with the dietitian in mid April, I thought it would be my last. I wasn't expecting what happened to happen. I didn't think I would actually say it. I didn't think I would finally stand up against the voice in my head and get the help I knew I deserved. I didn't think I would end up admitting to having a problem with food.
Admitting to having a problem with food to not only the dietitian but to my family was the best thing I could have ever done. It was then I realised that talking to someone and trying to seek help is the most effective way to recover. I needed the extra support to push and fight through it, I don't know what kind of state I would be in today if I had never admitted it to anyone.
The help and recovery started right away but that doesn't mean I recovered right away. I started having weekly meetings with the dietitian, weekly sessions with a councellor and started on a food plan. A food plan in which I agreed for my Mum to have full control over what I eat and when. I also had to ask friends to make sure I eat my lunch at school, which they did. They would try hype up my lunch filling it with compliments like 'Oh that looks so nice!' or 'Wish I had that for my lunch' or 'I bet that will taste so nice'. I had to laugh sometimes at how unsubtle and obvious they were being. But I did enjoy some nice lunches thanks to them. They even brought me down by the river to enjoy my lunch because I often don't like to eat in front of many people.
Recovery became my main priority at that stage. I stuck some reminders up on my mirror where I would do hourly body checks to remind myself not to care about what I see in the mirror. I didn't focus on school or the leaving cert at all. I made sure I had a guaranteed place in an Art PLC and that was all my worries gone. I focused on becoming happy and healthy again. I focused on becoming the old Casey. At the end of May I think that happened. I started actually taking interest in things again and letting my mind wonder about other things that weren't food. I remember the day Miley Cyrus released 'Malibu', and listening and watching the music video for the first time, I knew I was happy again. I knew I was going to kick this eating disorder in the ass and start living my life again!
And so here I am. Happy and healthy. Sure I get scared sometimes of food and when people talk about weights and calories but I suppose that's a thing that comes with life. That will be my next step to conquer. I continued posting the 'love yourself' posts on Instagram because I can't bare anyone else feeling the way I did, and if posting a Instagram with a long caption that can inspire someone out there, then I will do it! I'm so grateful also to everyone's comments and messages throughout the past few months, you are a reason I continued to fight and battle through.
I have learnt your weight and body size is really not important!! Do not let yourself believe that your self worth is determined on how thin or big you are. You are beautiful no matter what size you are. Boys don't even care about your weight and neither do girls. And if they do, you should know immediately that they are not worth your time. Don't let people put you down either, you don't deserve that!!! Follow me on Instagram for some more boosts of self love and encouragement @Caaseyt
I will be doing separate posts on what not to say or do to someone going through an eating disorder and things you should say or do and other things like that. You really deserve a medal if you read all of this and I'm so sorry if you found it boring. I really hope I helped someone out there.
I have created an online survey for anyone to do if you have experienced a bad relationship with food or an eating disorder. Here is the link ----> Eating Disorder Awareness Survey
Thanks so much for reading and remember... You Can't Live A Full Life On An Empty Stomach!!!!! -Casey X
Youtube: tookbycasey
Instagram: @caaseyt
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